End the bedroom pleasure gap: For a third of women, sex never ends with the big ‘O’ — yet they often blame themselves, ROWAN PELLING says it’s high time to demand better between the sheets
Studies show 65% of women have orgasms during sex compared to 95% of men
Rowan Pelling who spent decades researching sex explored ‘the orgasm gap’
She says there's no biological reason women should experience less pleasure
She spoke to women whose relationships have been affected by their sex life
Lucy Litwack argues women should demand a voice in the bedroom
She says lack of respect in the bedroom can lead to lack of respect in other areas
By ROWAN PELLING FOR DAILY MAIL
PUBLISHED: 22:07, 12 December 2018 | UPDATED: 23:59, 12 December 2018
New US research confirms what most women already know: men are twice as likely to orgasm during sex with their partner than women.
This discrepancy in sexual pleasure is now known as the orgasm gap.
But while the name might be new, the experience is all too familiar - despite women being better educated about our bodies and expecting more sexually from men.
Researchers interviewed 1,683 newlywed heterosexual couples and asked each partner how often they had orgasms, how often they thought their partner had orgasms and how satisfied they were sexually.
The result (published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine) was depressingly consistent with former research: 87 per cent of husbands said they consistently experienced orgasm during sex but only 49 per cent of wives could say the same.
Why don’t women orgasm as much as men do?
Anatomical differences play a big part but expectations, culture, attitude and ineffective sexual technique also contribute.
Even more worrying: most men are oblivious to what’s going on. Forty-three per cent of the men in this study weren’t aware how often their wives climaxed.
We need to stop pretending
Seventy-seven percent of women find it easier to reach orgasm alone rather than with a partner - even when we’re including the infinitely more reliable tongue and finger techniques.
Even girls who have the courage to show their partner the technique that does it for them, often cave in at the last moment because their partner doesn’t do it for long enough.
That protective male ego has to be protected at all costs, right?
Except studies show men actually prefer to be told what to do and don’t mind adding extra stimulation for a long period.
The first step to closing the orgasm gap is for all women to speak up during intercourse.
We need to stop faking: it’s sabotaging our sex lives.
Tracey Cox, suggests liberating your vibrator to up your 'success' rate
Be very specific about what you need – his fingers, a vibe, a certain style of thrusting – and tell him how long you need it done for.
Research proves the more sexually educated, experienced and assertive a woman is, the more control you take and fuss you make to get everything just right during intercourse, the more likely you are to have real intercourse orgasms.
Do the opposite: lie back passively while he thrusts in the usual manner and I guarantee those moans are more likely from frustration than frenzied passion!
Rethink how you have sex
Change the way you think you’re supposed to orgasm with your partner and you might just make it happen more often.
This involves thinking of his penis and pelvis as more of a pleasure tool – something to rub and stimulate your clitoris with and against – than an appendage that thrusts (ineffectively, if pleasantly) in and out.
Stress is the number one libido killer: Feeling frazzled puts people off intimacy more than anything else, survey finds
A survey of 2,066 adults found 45% report stress as the biggest passion killer
Expert claims stress creates anxiety, which puts couples off intimacy
By ALEXANDRA THOMPSON SENIOR HEALTH REPORTER FOR MAILONLINE
PUBLISHED: 14:42, 20 November 2018 | UPDATED: 17:09, 20 November 2018
The survey, by BBC Radio 5 Live, found physical health has the second biggest impact on a person's sex life, with 32 per cent reporting it as a passion killer.
This was followed by mental-health issues, which affect 26 per cent of the public's libidos, having children (20 per cent) and work (18 per cent).
And watching porn has a negative impact on the sex lives of 12 per cent of those surveyed.
Ellen Brady, a therapist from the relationship charity Relate, was also surprised to discover only 10 per cent highlight social media as being an issue.
She added, however, the likes of Facebook and Instagram probably have a bigger impact than the survey's results suggest.
'There's not the basic connection happening in couples, they're not even making eye contact or talking to each other, so it's no wonder when they get to bed that sex is difficult,' Ms Brady said.
Other family members, aside from children, affect the libidos of 10 per cent of those surveyed, while reality TV and friends are an issue for seven and five per cent, respectively.
Overall, half of the men surveyed were happy with their sex lives, which rose slightly to 53 per cent among the female participants.
And 58 per cent are confident about their performance between the sheets.
However, 38 per cent of the men and a quarter of the women questioned were dissatisfied.
To improve your sex lie, Ms Brady recommends imposing a temporary ban on getting intimate and then starting from scratch.
'Ban sex, because whatever you've been doing sexually it's gone wrong, so you want to wipe it out and start again, and just reconnect emotionally and in terms of intimacy,' she said.
'There's a big gender divide on that one, because women very often want to buy into emotional intimacy and kisses and cuddles and quite often men don't see that as a priority, they see sex as the priority.'
Ms Brady added, however, most men come round to kissing, particularly when they learn it often leads to more.
The survey also found men and women have different views when it comes to cheating.
Three quarters of the women surveyed considered kissing someone else or having cyber sex to be unfaithful, compared to just half of men.
The types of people men and women would consider being intimate with also differs - 58 per cent of males would have sex with someone more than a decade older than them compared to just 28 per cent of females.
Statistics suggest 74 per cent of Britons have felt stressed or unable to cope within the past year, with women being the most likely to suffer.
Stress can then lead to anxiety, which is a known libido killer.
This comes after research released last year found having sex at least once a week slows ageing in women even if they do not enjoy being intimate.
Being active between the sheets increases the length of women's telomeres, according to a study by the University of California, San Francisco. These 'cap' the end of DNA strands, with longer lengths being associated with slower ageing, longer lifespans and improved overall health.